There's no need to beat around the bush.

If reincarnation exists, then PR executives have come back as administrators. How else could you explain their carefully crafted, neutrally toned e-mails?

For instance, when a senior prank involved TPing the cypress trees in front of the school, the official e-mail from Pécan asked for anyone who witnessed, "the spirited decoration." Why couldn't he just ask for, "the guilty jack-a-ninnies," instead? That way I wouldn't have to break out my administrator decoder ring.

It's not just Pécan doing this either. Once in an e-mail Hammer asked for us to keep an eye out for those who are, "reorganizing the restroom supplies." It took me half a day plus a consultation with the school custodial staff to decipher that as, "ripping the toilet seats of the commodes."

If a kid's gone missing, then don't ask us to report on any "independently relocated members of the SLHS family." Tell us to, "lock down the jack-a-ninnies," or "take a count of your jack-a-ninnies," or "round up your jack-a-ninnies." Essentially, just make sure you use the term, "jack-a-ninnies."

That will improve communication by at least 50%.