Tuesday, November 14, 2006

(F)Art Class

This job is not a pretty one. State scores are struggling. Cheating is on the rise. The presence of drugs seems to be growing by the year. Even with all of that stuff going on, sometimes the little, insignificant things can be too distracting. Yes. That's right. I'm talking about the farting. Hey, like I said, that shouldn't be a big deal. We're all human, but for some reason this common bodily function can throw such a wrench in my day.

Hmm... did I just say that? I wonder if lawyers or architects have the same problem.

Anyway, my story--I had my classes in the library. At the ring of the dismissal bell, I had to hold one of my students back. Oh it wasn't just any student, but my habitual trouble maker. You know the kind that I'm talking about, the one who works twice as hard to be a disruption than they would if they just participated in class.

Well, this time I had to make sure that he didn't leave the library without picking up every piece of his "class handout, turned to confetti" mess. As he's bent over, I get hit with a shot of his gas. Why, oh why, did I have to be standing over him at that moment?

To add insult to olfactory injury, he howled like a hyena after he stunk it up. Again, this isn't your typical kid that would be embarrassed by such a situation, so he's not going to keep this story between us. No, he's told everyone possible the tale of farting in his teacher's face. And if I don't do something, then by the end of the week I'll be known as the "fart face teacher" for the rest of my days.

My colleagues will be passing me in the hall with their cleverly constructed greetings. "Hey Fart Face!" "What up Farto to da' Face? Been farted on lately?" "Farty McFart Fart! How's the smell today?"

You live with the inmates long enough and you start to turn a little crooked yourself, if you know what I mean.

I wish I could have written the kid up, but for what? Farting? Besides the last thing I want is to let an administrator in on my ordeal. So that leaves me with only one choice--disinformation.

Tomorrow, I'll just announce to my first period that they should never hesitate to ask for a pass to the bathroom "because there was an incident in the library yesterday where a student, now there's no need to reveal who it was, who had some bowel issues and--well--didn't quite make it--if you know what I'm saying."

That will certainly spread throughout the school and kids will add that story with my farter's story and everyone will believe that the kid... well... ya' know... in his pants...

Like I said, this job is not pretty.

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All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. That's our story and we're sticking to it.