On Tour

We had a couple of high schools finally open this year. It is about time. Before they came along, this school was the district’s most recent edifice. And let’s face it; a 1970’s architect’s prediction of what the future would look like is—well—a bit dated.

To celebrate the district will have a Community Night. No it isn’t an open house. That’s different. This is a Community Night. The entire community is invited to come up to a school one evening to be given guided tours of our new fortresses of knowledge. It’s a tour given by the students, no less.

I am fascinated and fearful of what a tour of the school through the eyes of my students:

On your left is the water fountain where I try to squirt water on girls’ titties. There’s an interesting story about that. One day I was squirting this fag in my Spanish class and I missed and hit some chick. You could see everything.

And we’re walking, walking, walking.

This is a locker that isn’t assigned to anyone, but you’ll notice that there’s a lock on it. Get this. This is where we keep all our shit—weed, vodka, cheat sheets. It’s badass. If the school ever finds out about it, then they can’t prove nothing.

And we’re walking, walking, walking.

They put cameras in the stairwells because they think that’s where we do it. Not true. If we’re not in the sound booth in the auditorium, then I’m not bangin’. That’s no lie. It’s up high, so you can see anyone coming.

And we’re walking, walking, walking.

I don’t know about you, but I’m excited. It would be like touring a jack-a-ninny Smithsonian—a real education!