Good Night, Nurse!

The nurse notified the staff that she’s had eighty-eight students come to the clinic with thirty being sent home these last two days. Symptoms included fevers in the 103’s, vomiting, diarrhea, chills, aches, and dizziness. Yikes! Do I need to wash my hands more or buy a biohazard suit and non-perishables for my bomb shelter?

She asked us to do our part by doing a couple of things. First, she wants us to be the flu version of Judge Judy and determine if they are quarantine worthy. This will involve asking students why they feel that they need to go to the clinic. I need to know what’s ailing them. Great, I’m not one to get too personal with my students to begin with, but now I have to get to know about their bodies. Watch, this will be the flu season where I get the kid who sneaked Dad’s Viagra and has the four-hour erection.

Second, she’s sending us what she’s calling, “med packs.” Along with Band-Aides, which make sense, there will be safety pins, gauze, ace bandages, and tape. I’m no doctor, but what medical treatment involves safety pins? I guess if anyone rips out the safety pin adorning the ear of that alternative kid in my fifth period, then I can give him a replacement. But that probably counts more as a fashion emergency and not a medical one.

With the gauze, bandages, and tape I could construct some sort of voodoo doll and then stick it with the safety pin. Maybe that’s the nurse’s intention. She’s so desperate that she’s turning to the black arts. Hey, I’m desperate too. I think I’ll stick my doll every time that kid sticks his finger up his nose.