Now where did I put my "grafting" calculator?

As long as there are opportunities in this world for an individual to get ahead in life, there will always be those who feel that "money is no object" is appropriate. Do you think that I'm wrong? Why don't you go back and peruse the news from years past. Votes have been sold, endorsements have been given because of monetary favors, payola--the list goes on.

Here's my problem--how come nobody tries to buy off teachers? I'm talking about cold hard cash. If it's good enough for Washington, then it's good enough for a guy that punches extra holes in his belt so that his pants won't fall down.

I'm not just being materialistic either. If parents would just give me a price that they are willing to pay so little Suzie can stay eligible for the dance team, then I wouldn't have to endure all those emails and phone calls where they try to manipulate my emotions for that passing grade. They would be happy, and I would certainly be happy.

So parents, just stick the non-sequential bills in a plain white envelope and work on your euphemisms.

"Well, Billy may not know who wrote Poor Richards Almanac, but maybe Mr. Franklin does."

"Maybe cabbage is the answer to getting an A in your class. I've heard that it's great brain food."

"Hopefully Brittonie will be able to cash in with all of that studying that she has been doing."

Now if you excuse me, I have to go and hollow out my class set of textbooks for all of those contributions that I'm going to have to stash.