Making a Name for Yourself

One of the aspects that keeps this job interesting are the names of the students. This year alone I have a Gladys, a Serena, a Samantha, a Larry, a Tabitha, an Esmerelda, and a Darrin. Do you understand what that means? I’m one Arthur short of a Bewitched full house. Technically, I guess I would I need a second Darrin.

Some other names I want to talk about are “Faggot” and Nimrod. “Faggot” was the name I was called, and I was called this name by a student named Nimrod (not a nickname). Here is an example that schools are not preparing students for real life. I did the standard procedures. I separated him from the class, got the students back on track, wrote a referral, and sent the little Nimrod on his way.

But in the real world if someone called me a “Faggot,” and I knew their name was Nimrod my response would be, “Your name is Nimrod? NIM-ROD? You can call me anything you want because again your name is Nimrod. Yes, I realize that it is Biblical, but so is ‘jawbone of an ass,” and guess what? To be called the latter would be an improvement. ‘Faggot’ is something that is taped to someone’s back, but ‘Nimrod’ is on your freakin’ birth certificate.” If I could do something like that, then I could finally give these kids a real education. You don’t believe me? Call someone a “faggot” and see what you get.

Instead, he’ll be back in my class a week later so that there is potential for things to get worse. Because with a Nimrod there’s no potential for things to get better, if you know what I mean.

I have found a way to make the best of the situation, though. I call kids in my other classes “Nimrod” when they’re doing something Nimrod-ish (synonymous with jack-a-ninny-ish) then to cover-up I say, “I’m sorry, Nimrod sits there in one of my other classes.”

If parents start naming their kids Imbecile and Doofus, then this job will be a little more bearable.