Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hobo Teacher the Magnificent

Yea! The mods are here! The mods are here! And like usual they are coming to me weeks after school started. I hope I didn’t violate any students’ rights during this time and didn’t realize. Because when I violate a person’s rights, I want to be fully cognizant of it.

I kid. And now I will kid some more.

Since the mods come in envelopes for confidentiality purposes, I thought I would do my best impression of Carnac the Magnificent and show off my psychic by predicting a modification for each student.

Envelope #1: As I hold it up to my head, I am seeing, “Christina Aguilera’s hair and Lisa’s textbook.” If I had an Ed McMahon, then he would be repeating, “’Christina Aguilera’s hair and Lisa’s textbook,’” while I gave him an odd look and opened the envelope to read, “Name two things that must be covered in highlights.”


Now for the second envelope: This one is telling me, “No fat people.” This envelope I fumble with slightly to open it just like Carson used to. Finally I read, “Must work in small groups.”

Okay. That one may get more groans than applause, but that’s all right. If you didn’t find that one funny then I would just say, “May your sister marry a camel,” a standard insult dispensed by the Middle-Eastern mystic, Carnac.

The third envelope, which has been hermetically sealed and kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar: I’m getting, “Monica Lewinsky,” on this one. Chuckles already begin in anticipation of the punch line. Finally, I reveal, “An oral tester.”

I use all my ability not to break character after such a naughty joke, but fail. Carson was the master at that.

I hold in my hand the last envelope: My psychic powers tell me, “Five star hotels and student, Warren S.” The anticipation builds until I read, “Things that have accommodations coming out the ass.”

Roaring band music from Doc Severinsen erupts, cueing me to tell you guys to stay tuned for our next guest, Don Rickles.


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