Hobo Teacher the Magnificent
Yea! The mods are here! The mods are here! And like usual they are coming to me weeks after school started. I hope I didn’t violate any students’ rights during this time and didn’t realize. Because when I violate a person’s rights, I want to be fully cognizant of it.
I kid. And now I will kid some more.
Since the mods come in envelopes for confidentiality purposes, I thought I would do my best impression of Carnac the Magnificent and show off my psychic by predicting a modification for each student.
Envelope #1: As I hold it up to my head, I am seeing, “Christina Aguilera’s hair and Lisa’s textbook.” If I had an Ed McMahon, then he would be repeating, “’Christina Aguilera’s hair and Lisa’s textbook,’” while I gave him an odd look and opened the envelope to read, “Name two things that must be covered in highlights.”
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE
Now for the second envelope: This one is telling me, “No fat people.” This envelope I fumble with slightly to open it just like Carson used to. Finally I read, “Must work in small groups.”
Okay. That one may get more groans than applause, but that’s all right. If you didn’t find that one funny then I would just say, “May your sister marry a camel,” a standard insult dispensed by the Middle-Eastern mystic, Carnac.
The third envelope, which has been hermetically sealed and kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar: I’m getting, “Monica Lewinsky,” on this one. Chuckles already begin in anticipation of the punch line. Finally, I reveal, “An oral tester.”
I use all my ability not to break character after such a naughty joke, but fail. Carson was the master at that.
I hold in my hand the last envelope: My psychic powers tell me, “Five star hotels and student, Warren S.” The anticipation builds until I read, “Things that have accommodations coming out the ass.”
Roaring band music from Doc Severinsen erupts, cueing me to tell you guys to stay tuned for our next guest, Don Rickles.
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE
I kid. And now I will kid some more.
Since the mods come in envelopes for confidentiality purposes, I thought I would do my best impression of Carnac the Magnificent and show off my psychic by predicting a modification for each student.
Envelope #1: As I hold it up to my head, I am seeing, “Christina Aguilera’s hair and Lisa’s textbook.” If I had an Ed McMahon, then he would be repeating, “’Christina Aguilera’s hair and Lisa’s textbook,’” while I gave him an odd look and opened the envelope to read, “Name two things that must be covered in highlights.”
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE
Now for the second envelope: This one is telling me, “No fat people.” This envelope I fumble with slightly to open it just like Carson used to. Finally I read, “Must work in small groups.”
Okay. That one may get more groans than applause, but that’s all right. If you didn’t find that one funny then I would just say, “May your sister marry a camel,” a standard insult dispensed by the Middle-Eastern mystic, Carnac.
The third envelope, which has been hermetically sealed and kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar: I’m getting, “Monica Lewinsky,” on this one. Chuckles already begin in anticipation of the punch line. Finally, I reveal, “An oral tester.”
I use all my ability not to break character after such a naughty joke, but fail. Carson was the master at that.
I hold in my hand the last envelope: My psychic powers tell me, “Five star hotels and student, Warren S.” The anticipation builds until I read, “Things that have accommodations coming out the ass.”
Roaring band music from Doc Severinsen erupts, cueing me to tell you guys to stay tuned for our next guest, Don Rickles.
APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE, APPLAUSE
- H.T. at 7:00 AM
