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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Sleight of Hand

We're getting into that time of year. The weather has warmed up a bit. School's about to get out, at least in this part of the country (sorry California). The kids are paying less attention to the already-ignored dress code. Like I said, I don't think it’s an act of defiance. April is just when the school begins to coast, and the kids aren't the only ones. I'm pretty sure that I saw Ms. Weary, the librarian, wearing a house coat. Still, Hammer called yet another meeting. Didn't we just have one?

To be honest, I'm in a bit of that cruise mode myself, so I didn't really pay attention until—the details of the hand span chest exam were presented.

That woke me right up. It appears that instead of responding to my e-mails, Hammer was developing a new tactic for teachers to employ to determine whether or not to send these kids down to the office for dress code violations.

"Everyone hold out their hand like so."

There was something disturbingly comfortable about Hammer giving the heil.

"Spread your finger. Good. Now, if your hand cannot cover up the neckline of the student with their hand, then they are in violation. Send them down."

After a pregnant pause, where I guarantee everyone was pondering if they heard correctly that they were given instruction to fondle students' chests, came the snickers. After the snickers, came the gut-busting uproar. After the hilarity, came the comments.

"Fight violation with violation."

"Big hands, big chest."

"What do we do for butt cracks?"

No one noticed Hammer slink off stage. We were too busy working on our perve faces on each other to accompany the new chest grab move.

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