Just be thankful they nixed the interview portion.

The Baron Boys Competition was last night. “What is ‘Baron Boys’?” you ask? It’s a beauty pageant for the male students at SLHS, affectionately referred to as “Baron Boy Toys” around these parts. It has all the facets of your standard beauty pageant, only instead of scholarly-challenged females up on stage, you get to enjoy scholarly-challenged bundles of testosterone. I guess turnabout is fair play, but if the idea of traditional beauty pageants leaves a bad taste in your mouth, then how does this thing sound like a good idea? Can you imagine?

Formalwear: “Here comes Mr. Nickleson in the tuxedo he rented for homecoming which, for some reason, he still hasn’t returned.”

Swimwear: “And please now turn your attention to Mr. Shillingford who is, oh God, he’s wearing his tighty whities?”

Talent: “For his talent, Mr. Dollarberg will be… umm… ‘shaking his junk,’ whatever that means.”

I heard the crowd was an array of female students which, I suppose, could be slightly less appropriate, but I’m not sure how. It was basically the Sadie Hawkins night of sexual objectification. Sure, I suppose you could make an argument that this is an opportunity for young men to build some self-confidence and have their egos stroked a bit. But trust me. I’ve seen the kids who compete in this pageant throughout the school day (in the light of day????).

If their egos were stroked anymore, they might explode.