Thursday, January 24, 2008

Exit Music

Administration seems to be dead-set on improving student traffic flow, and I say bully for them. Unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with dumb ideas. Right now we’re in the middle of Hammer’s between-period-serenades, and now Pécan has sent out an e-mail informing us on the new bell schedule to end the day.

The plan is to release bus riders at a different time than those traveling by car or foot, so that there are less students in the hallway at what is probably the most hectic portion of the day (what I like to call, “prison break time”).

At least I think that is the plan. Pécan sent the e-mail to my computer instead of the needed enigma machine to decode what he was trying to say:

Car riders and walkers will be released at 2:25, but prior to that bus riders will leave at 2:17, which is a difference of seven minutes between the previous parties and the former leaving.

Good Lord, talk about your word problems. The problem is that he doesn’t know how to use words. It gets better, look:

Tomorrow, please take inventory as to which students are bus riders, walkers, or car riders in both your 7th period to be able to release them at the appropriate bell for the end of school.

Now, how am I supposed to take inventory of which students do what? It’s not exactly honest injun time with a bunch of these kids. Many of their default settings are fixed to ‘lie mode.’

“Listen up, kids. You guys who sign your parents’ names on progress reports, you guys who buy papers off the Internet, you guys who ask to use the restroom and are found on the other side of campus making out with your significant other by the maintenance staff thirty minutes later, will you raise your hands to tell me if you’re supposed to leave earlier than the other students.”

I might as well ask them to raise their hands if they think English is gay. I’d probably get the same result.

And it’s not like anything would be different, if I didn’t tell them before why I was taking a census. As I said before, they’re set to ‘lie mode.’ Don’t believe me? Then keep track of all the students who need to make up quizzes, but don’t. When you confront them, do they tell you that they came by, but you weren’t there? Right, how often do you leave your room?

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