Thursday, September 28, 2006

I'm going MOD!

No, I'm not getting some hipster haircut and buying a motor scooter.

I just received the modifications for my special education students.

Yes. That's right. It's the end of freakin' September and I just went to the Special Ed office, picked them up and signed off on them. Good ol' Calculus couldn't even go and get them for me because of the need my stupid signature. It's official; I'm now a potential defendant in future lawsuits.

I suppose there's really no rush on getting these things to teachers at the beginning of the year. I mean, students who need preferential seating are already on my seating chart and have grown roots in the back of the room. They usually don't mind being reseated and none of the students ever suspect anything or ask questions when you ask them to switch seats with Johnny.

"Hey! Why's Johnny sitting up there now? Why?!?!?! I demand answers for your secret reshuffling of seating assignments!"

And, let's face it, that first six weeks of the school year really isn't important to kids who might have learning disabilities. They usually catch on pretty quickly after they've fallen behind... wait a second...

Allow me to read from Rudolph Parsimonious's file (don't worry, don't worry... that's not his real name). Hmmm... seems here that ol' Rudolph (from my freshman English class)
"... often falls asleep in class" (Check)
"... doesn't respond well to authority" (That's why he keeps flipping me off!)
"... needs extra time for assignments" (Well, I still don't have his acrostic poem--maybe they should be more specific with the length of the extensions--are we talking millennia here or what?)
"... needs positive reinforcement" (That's a nice puddle of drool you got going on your desk there, Rudy!)
"... doesn't test well" (You don't say? I was wondering why he doodled all over his scantron instead of answering the questions.)
"... is easily distracted" (I've seen dogs with better attention spans.)
"... may only retain knowledge for short periods of time" (Bingo!)
"... may need directions repeated multiple times" (Yup!)
"... doesn't like to sit still for long periods of time" (So that's why he does laps around the podium ever so often. I thought maybe he was just bananas insane.)
So, all you need to add to that file is "wants a new car when he turns 16" and "feels like nobody understands him" and you've described about 9/10 of my students. Why didn't they just include, "may not enjoy your class," while they were at it? Seriously, how are these vague brushstrokes supposed to help me help him?

Nothing like individualized learning plans to really tailor to the needs of the special education student. On second thought, they probably could've waited a couple more months before getting these mods to me, after all. I would've figured most of this out on my own by the winter break.

Perhaps next year I could just refuse to sign for the mods. You know, like shout, "Not It!" really fast or something. I bet that would go over just peachy.

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